The United States of Azumanga Daioh
by Inu-Kago
Summary: What do you get when you cross 6 japanese students the best jokes made about America and the twisted mind of a fanfic author? Read and find out...
1. New York

The United States of Azumanga Daioh

Chapter 1

New York!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Azumanga Daioh or any of its characters and I don't own America, but I'll make fun of all of it just for fun.**

Osaka sat at her desk daydreaming as usual until Ms. Yukari threw an eraser at her head and yelled, "Osaka have you been paying any attention?" "Huh?" Osaka said drearily, "I didn't know it cost money."

Tomo giggled a little bit in the corner. "Oh," replied Ms. Yukari, "Then what famous American wrote the American dictionary?" "Hillary Clinton!" Kagura yelled. "Quiet!" responded Ms. Yukari. "Who cares?" said Tomo, "When you stop coming to school drunk we'll start paying attention."

"Tomo, stop being stupid!" Yomi said. "Don't be mean to students!" Ms. Yukari said. "Yeah," Chiyo replied. "Thank you Chiyo-chan." Ms. Yukari replied. Chiyo continued, "Don't insult Ms. Yukari or any other elders."

Ms. Yukari was heartbroken at being called an elder. "That's it," she yelled, "Osaka, Tomo, Kagura, Yomi, Chiyo-chan, Sakaki, all of you get detention!" "What did I do?" Sakaki asked. "I'm just sick of looking at you!" Ms. Yukari responded.

The detention was supposed to be quiet and punishing, but with their supervisor at happy hour there was little control. Fortunately Yomi found a piece of string that kept Tomo entertained for most of the time.

Kagura had her small radio up to max volume on a station that played American music from bands with long names. "Why do you like that music?" Yomi asked.

"I don't," she replied, "But today…" before she could continue the radio host said, "If you're caller number 7 you and six friends will be spending Golden Week (big Japanese holiday lasting a week) in the United States of America New York City!"

"Wow!" exclaimed Yomi. "Yeah," Kagura replied dialing the number. "Hello," the person on the other line said, "You're caller number 7. The question is…What rock group performed the song 'True Men Don't kill Coyotes'?" Kagura and everyone else were stumped at this question.

Meanwhile in the corner of the classroom. Sakaki was eating peppers out of the mega sized jar in front of her when Osaka said, "What are those?" Sakaki replied, "Chili peppers." "Can I have one?" Osaka asked. "Well they're kind of…" Sakaki began but Osaka had already shoved as many in her mouth as she could. Osaka began running around the classroom in search of water.

Kagura, ignoring Osaka was trying to remember the name of the band. "What could it be?" she said to herself. "You're almost out of time." The radio host said. Osaka kept running around yelling until Kagura said, "What's wrong?" Osaka yelled, "Red Hot Chili Peppers!" "That's right!" the radio host said, "You're going to New York City!"

Everyone started cheering until Tomo looked up from her piece of string to say, "Wait, there's six of us and there are seven tickets. What do we do about the 7th person?" "I'll go you foo!" Mr. T said. "How'd you get here?" Tomo asked. "I made a wrong turn on my way to my fanfic, but that don't matter. I'll go!" Everyone stared blankly, then Yomi said, "Um…no." Mr. T sulked away saying, "Can't you have some mercy? They're pairing me with people from Pokemon! Can't you have some mercy?"

Ms. Yukari ran in and yelled, "I'll go with you!" Yomi replied, "I think we'd rather spend the week with Mr. Kimura." Mr. Kimura ran in and said, "You mean it? I've had dreams about this!" Everyone seemed shocked and Sakaki said, "Okay, you can come."

At the airport Osaka was eating more chili peppers. "You know you can't bring those with you. Don't you?" Chiyo said "It's okay, Chiyo-chan. I have a plan…" Osaka said. As Osaka walked through security Chiyo sang a Nursery Rhyme distracting the airport security.

"Wow, that worked," Yomi said, "I hope Osama BinLaden doesn't know any show tunes." As she said this Osama BinLaden walked through security singing _"Can't touch this! Da da da da Hey…Can't touch this"_

Everyone took their seats on the plane and Tomo was immediately bored. "Come on let's do something! I'm bored. I'm tired." Yomi then pulled out a poppy seed muffin. "Yay!" Tomo cheered stuffing the muffin in her mouth. "I knew that'd come in handy." Yomi said.

"I wonder what the in-flight movie is." Osaka said looking at the TV screen. A trailer popped up saying _"It's the hit comedy sequel you've all been waiting for Dumb and Dumbererererer'!'"_ "Oh Buddha no!" Ms. Yukari yelled, "Eject, Eject!" "But there is no eject," Osaka replied "Oh yeah?" Ms. Yukari yelled jumping out the window. Yomi sighed and said, "How are we supposed to explain this to the flight attendant?"

3 poppy seed muffins, 2 crappy in-flight movies, and one bad case of air sickness later they arrived in New York City. They made their way to their luxury hotel. There was one big room with 7 beds each decorated lavishly. "Wow!" Sakaki said noticing the huge stuffed cat on her bed then recovered by ignoring everybody again.

"Let's go shopping!" Tomo proposed. "Okay," Ms. Yukari replied obviously tired (and yes I'm sorry that she's still alive), "Be back here by sundown." "Are you okay Ms. Yukari?" Chiyo asked. "Muhvuhm…" Ms. Yukari mumbled falling asleep on her bed.

"Apparently she's not good with jetlag," Yomi said, "It's a shame she'll sleep through her own birthday." "It's her birthday?" Osaka asked. "Teachers have birthdays?" Tomo said, "I thought they just unplug them after school."

"I didn't know about this!" Osaka exclaimed, "We have to do something for her!" "I'll pass." Tomo replied. "Me too." Kagura replied. "I've got better things to do." Yomi replied. Sakaki said, "I'll stay here and…uh…yeah…" Everyone left except Osaka and Chiyo.

"Well, I'll help, Osaka." Chiyo replied. "Okay," she replied, "I'll get the cake you get her a gift, and get creative." "Yes ma'am." Chiyo replied saluting.

Osaka carried a large shopping bag with her. "Okay," she said to herself, "I've got eggs, flour, and…oh, I need sugar!" a man wearing a large trench coat said, "Hey, did I hear you need some 'sugar'?" "Yeah," she replied, "Wow Americans are smart."

"Yeah," he replied, "Special today, only $400 (American commoner: rent payment, American Politician: Hamburger and a large drink)." "Wow," Osaka replied, "Stuff here is expensive." "Yeah, you want it or not?" he asked. "Okay." She said handing him $400. "Is this enough to make a cake?" she asked. "Yeah, sure, whatever." He said walking away swiftly.

Tomo and Yomi were walking down the street; Yomi was carrying all the shopping bags. "Why do I have to carry all this stuff?" she asked Tomo. "Because," Tomo replied, "You have to respect your elders." "But you're younger than I am." Yomi said "So," Tomo replied, "I'll respect you by allowing you to carry all the bags."

Just then a man with shaggy, blonde hair in a business suit approached Tomo and said, "Hey, you look like a smart person how'd you like a job at my building?" Tomo giggled a little and decided to make fun of him. "You know," she said, "In Japan, we close business deals by rubbing the employers head."

"Tomo, don't!" Yomi yelled dropping the bags, but it was too late. Tomo pushed her hand through his hair until his toupee fell off. Suddenly a crowd of paparazzi crowded around taking pictures of the balding man, until he ran away crying.

Tomo picked up the toupee and said, "I could sell this on ebay!" A police officer approached her and asked, "What are you doing with Donald Trump's hair?" "Uh…" she said thinking of something to say, "Me speaks no English." Tomo then ran away leaving a billow of dust behind her.

Kagura went by herself to a football game between New York and Seattle. When she saw the teams come out she told the person next to her, "Those New Yorkers are like giants!" "Ladies and gentlemen," the voice on the loudspeaker said, "Please rise for the national anthem sung by Mr. T!" Mr. T got up and sang, "_O say can you see_ I pity the foos!" Everyone booed and threw popcorn, beer, and smelly jerseys at him. One guy even threw the mascot at him until he finally left.

Later, during the fourth quarter the ref made a bad call on New York and Kagura yelled, "Boo! The ref's blind!" Kagura then noticed a man sitting in front of her holding a can and wearing black sunglasses. "Oh, I'm so sorry!" Kagura said. Then hordes of blind people came and surrounded her. Without thinking she jumped onto the field and started running. The ball fell into her hands and she kept running. She ran past the touchdown line through the locker room. "Touchdown!" the voiceover said, "Giants win!" Kagura ran through the locker room and passed Mr. T being beat up by the mascot yelling, "Run you foo!"

Sakaki was still staring at the stuffed cat now with great joy. She would've jumped on the bed hugging it if not for the possibility of Ms. Yukari waking up.

For only a moment she looked out the window and then noticed that in the apartment building across the street a cat jumped off the second floor and an old lady tried to catch it before it jumped.

Sakaki ran to her balcony and jumped down to where the cat was. Then with God-like speed she raced across the street. A car was about to hit her but she smashed the hood of it to get the cat.

Sakaki picked up the cat and handed it to the old lady. "Thank you young lady," she said, "Is there some way I can repay you?" "Oh, it's nothing." Sakaki replied. "Well," the woman responded, "At least come and have a cup of coffee." "O…k…" Sakaki replied following her.

"Hey," the man who had his car wrecked by Sakaki yelled, "Hey, what are you gonna do about my car?" Sakaki looked back and her eyes filled with fire and the man drove away as fast as he could.

Sakaki walked in the door and saw more cats then she'd seen in her whole life. They were everywhere. In some places she couldn't see the floor. "Your cats are so cute." Sakaki said.

"Thank you young lady," The woman replied walking into the kitchen. "How do you take care of all of them?" she asked. "Well, they have a special diet," The woman said manically laughing and pulling a knife out of her pocket. "I think you're on the menu today!"

The old lady lunged at Sakaki with her knife. Sakaki tried to run away to the door but the cats created a wall stopping her. The woman laughed evilly and the cats grouped together to form one cat she rode upon.

"Crap this story's getting weirder and weirder," Sakaki yelled, "Curse you Robert Tobias for writing this!" "Don't blame me," I yelled running away from the giant cat lady. "Ahhhhhh! Help!" I yelled as the cats caught up with me and swallowed me up. "Sorry Robert." She said jumping out the window to escape.

She jumped and landed on the same car she'd smashed earlier. "Hey!" the man yelled, "My car…again!" Then the cats followed and ate what was left of his car except the wheels. The man sighed and said, "There's no way my insurance will cover this."

Ms. Yukari opened her eyes slowly and saw Tomo, Kagura, Yomi, Osaka and Chiyo wearing party hats and holding a birthday cake. "Surprise!" they all yelled. "Fire!" she yelled jumping to her feet. "Oh," she continued, "It's just you. Oh, thanks! How'd you know it was my birthday?" "Uh…" Yomi replied, "Happy Birthday!"

Sakaki walked in with scratches all over herself. "What happened?" Chiyo asked. "I…uh…fell down the stairs." Sakaki replied. "But you have scratches all over your face." Chiyo replied. "Uh…" Sakaki said, "Oh, cake!"

"Yeah," Ms. Yukari said, "This cake looks great!" Everyone cut themselves a piece of the cake and took one bite and spat it out except Tomo. "Wow, this is great!" Tomo exclaimed putting the rest of the cake in her mouth and then passed out. "What did you put in this cake?" Yomi asked. "Well," Osaka replied, "Same old stuff, but the sugar was really expensive, like $400." "What?" Everyone yelled. "Uh…Osaka," Kagura said, "That wasn't sugar."

"Forget it," Chiyo said, "Let's bring in your gift Ms. Yukari." Just then two male strippers walked through the door. "What?" Ms. Yukari yelled, "Okay stop! This was all nice and stuff, but it's…"

"Ms. Yukari!" Yomi yelled, "Look." She pointed at the TV of the news report. The reporter said, "Japanese Radio D.J. Um…I can't seem to read the name. But anyway he's been accused of fraud and now all prizes given away are now void. If you received one of these prizes please contact the police immediately."

"Hey," Osaka said after a long awkward silence, "That's the guy that gave us the tickets. We should call the police or Mr. T or something." "No way," Yomi said, "How are we going to explain the crack cake?" "Well," Ms. Yukari said, "First we need to leave. Pack only the essentials!" Ms. Yukari picked up the mini-bar and walked towards the door. "But, Ms. Yukari, aren't you forgetting something?" Chiyo said, "You're right," Ms. Yukari said and then pointed to the strippers and said, "You two come with me!"

"No," Kagura replied, "How do we leave if we don't have plane tickets or a car?" "Hey look." Osaka said holding up a flyer. "It says here there's a police auction they'll sell confiscated items like clothes, electronics and cars!" "But, thanks to you and Tomo we don't have any money." Yomi replied.

"That's okay," Chiyo said, "I have this theory that Americans are so stupid you can lower the prices at auctions without them noticing." "That's a great idea," Tomo yelled getting up, "Is there any more of that cake?" "No!" everyone yelled in unison.

Everyone sat by each other at the auction until the auctioneer said, "Our next item for bid is this 1980 Chrysler mini-van. Do I hear $300?" "200!" Ms. Yukari yelled out. "Splendid biding!" the auctioneer exclaimed. "100!" Kagura yelled. "Okay," the auctioneer said, "I've got $100. Are there any other bids?" "$75 you foo!" Mr. T yelled. "What are you doing here?" Osaka asked, "Oh, never mind, $50!" "Anyone else?" the auctioneer asked. "$25!" Kagura yelled. "Oh my," the auctioneer replied, "25 going once, going twice…" "$1!" Tomo yelled. Everyone was shocked. "My goodness I've never heard a bid like that," the auctioneer said, "Going one, going twice, sold!"

Everyone started cheering. They loaded their stuff in the car as fast as they could and drove away quickly. "You foo!" Mr. T yelled at the auctioneer, "They just ran away buying a car for a dollar!" "Hey, you're right," the auctioneer said, "Come back here!" but they were long gone on their way to nowhere.

**A/N: Well this has been chapter one of "The United States of Azumanga Daioh" If you want your state included in my story just write me an email and I might consider it. If you want more insight into my twisted mind give me some reviews!**


	2. Washington DC

The United States of Azumanga Daioh

Chapter 2

Washington D.C.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Azumanga Daioh, any of its characters, Washington D.C., the Oval Office, Poppy-seed muffins, or Ryan Seacrest…that's better.**

Miss Yukari was driving way over the speed limit in their one quarter car with Chiyo crying in the backseat, Kagura and Sakaki trying to help but failing miserably, Osaka was sleeping her mouth wide open, while Yomi was having a hard enough time refraining from killing Tomo when the sign appeared "Welcome to Washington D.C."

"Wow," Tomo said, "So this is Washington?" "Amazing," Yomi said, "You actually know SOME English." "Yeah," Tomo said taking a bite out of a muffin, "Hey if they're _poppy_-seed muffins then does that mean you can sell them as opium?" "No," Yomi replied, "But you can fail a drug test eating one." "Cool," Tomo said shoving the rest of the muffin in her mouth, "I'm bored, there's nothing to do, I'm still hungry, hey Yomi I'll race you to the Pentagon, Yomi, you're not even listening!"

Yomi then threw Tomo out of the car but Tomo dragged the still sleeping Osaka with her. "Yeah, real nice of you," Tomo yelled at the car speeding away, "Osaka, wake up!" "Whoa," Osaka exclaimed getting up, "I had the weirdest dream, Mr. T was there and he…" "Yeah, that's great," Tomo said, "Hey look over there." "What?" asked Osaka. "That," Tomo said pointing at the White House, "I think I've seen that somewhere before." "Really," Osaka said, "Let's go to that white…uh…building…thing."

Osaka and Tomo got in line for the White House tours, and after a few hours in line they got in. "Now," the tour guide said, "First built during the Adams administration there is a long list of boring pointless things that have happened and I will go over each one with boring detail after boring detail."

"This is stupid," Tomo said, "What's in there?" Tomo pointed to a sign that said, "Restricted" on it. "Hmmm," Osaka pondered when an angel appeared on her shoulder and said, "Don't go in there, last time Tomo said she had a good idea you wound up in jail." "Who cares," a devil that appeared on her other shoulder said, "Go ahead it'll be fun." Osaka glanced at both her shoulder then knocked them of her saying, "Stupid flies, let's go."

As they walked through the empty hallway Tomo and Osaka glanced through a crack in a doorway only to see President George W. Bush yelling at his assistant, "What do you mean there aren't any more sandwiches? If I don't eat I can't concentrate. If I can't concentrate there's no way I'll be able to think up more half-baked excuses to tell congress why we should go to war!" "But, sir," the assistant said, "I'm just an intern, and you haven't even paid me yet." "Such disrespect," Bush said, "We're working hard to put food on your sandwich…put food on your family…just get me a sandwich!" "This is even stupider," Tomo said, "I wonder what's next door."

Tomo and Osaka walked through the door to see the oval office. "Wow, the oval office," Osaka said, "So this is where the president does his…um…officing." Osaka then looked under the desk and said, "Hey, what's this white stuff?" Tomo took it from her and said, "I dunno." Tomo smelled it and was suddenly more wound up than usual. "Weird." Osaka replied.

Then Tomo's attention was fixed on a big red button in the center of the desk with a label under it. "What does this do?" Tomo asked, then a devil appeared on her shoulder saying, "Go ahead, it won't hurt." Tomo then looked to her other shoulder looking for an angel but instead saw a sign saying "On strike!". Tomo shrugged and pushed the button. Suddenly an alarm sounded and Tomo said, "We better leave, sorry…um…(hard to read)…uh…Iraq…" Then they ran away in a hurry.

Chiyo cheered and started kissing the ground when they finally stopped. "I thought we were going west," Sakaki said, "Washington is south of New York." "I don't understand," Miss Yukari said pulling out a Playgirl Magazine, "I followed the directions perfectly." "Miss Yukari," Chiyo said, "That's a magazine." "Oh, yeah," Sakaki said, "Well then, let's go."

"No," Kagura said, "While we're here let's at least see one thing." "Well…" Miss Yukari said, "Okay, how about the Smithsonian?" "Yay," Kagura cheered. "But, what about Tomo and Osaka?" Chiyo asked. Yomi giggled a little and said evilly, "We are never to speak of them again, Chiyo-chan!" "Okay…" Chiyo said scared.

They all were looking at the hope diamond when the tour guide said, "Alright, three simple rules, no food/drink, no animals, and no Ryan Seacrestes." "Ryan Seacrest isn't allowed in here?" Chiyo asked confused. "He's not?" Ryan Seacrest (wearing fake glasses and nose with mustache) said, "He's a great radio personality though." "There he is!" a man yelled from across the room, "He's the one who spat on the Declaration of Independence!" "Uh…" Ryan Seacrest said taking off the disguise, "Seacrest out!" Smoke filled the room, but when it cleared Ryan Seacrest was still there. "I probably should've run." Ryan Seacrest said before a bunch of security guards jumped him.

They all left as soon as the mob cleared and somehow found their way to the Lincoln Monument. "Why are we here?" Sakaki asked. "Because of her." Kagura explained pointing at Miss Yukari who was sitting on Lincoln's lap. "And, I want a pony, and a racecar and a spaceship." "We should go." Sakaki said. "Naw," Kagura replied, "Let her have her fun."

Sakaki, Chiyo, Yomi, Kagura and Miss Yukari were finishing packing up the car when they heard screams and saw Osaka and Tomo running towards them. "No," Yomi yelled, "We were so close! Why? Why does God hate me so?" "Aw, I love you too Yomi," Tomo said, "But, we've got to leave like right now!" "Why?" Chiyo asked. Just then a huge mob of people were coming after them and the now running Ryan Seacrest.

"Advice taken." Miss Yukari said starting the car. They drove away far too quickly for Chiyo to be comfortable. They all breathed a sigh of relief when they were finally out of town. Everyone was happy now except for Yomi, who was forced again to sit next to Tomo, and Ryan Seacrest, who was holding onto the bumper being dragged along the road and saying, "Ow…ow…Seacrest…ow...out...ow!"

**A/N: Could it get any funnier? You tell me. Where to next? You must read to find out…Mwahahahahahahahahaha…. **


	3. Sweet Southern Comfort

The United States of Azumanga Daioh

Chapter 3

Sweet Southern Comfort?

**Disclaimer: I don't own Azumanga Daioh, any of it characters or any of the many things I'm about to make fun of.**

Ms. Yukari, Sakaki, Kagura, Yomi, Tomo, Chiyo, and Osaka were out on their long journey to get back home, but they hadn't thought about what home thought of their absence. They believed nobody noticed or cared…and they were mostly right. Tomo's parents had already turned her room into a bowling alley. But one man did care, one man was concerned, one man could help them, and that one man was the only person they never wanted to see…Mr. Kimura...

Mr. Kimura was sitting in a crowded airplane seat and held up a picture of a sleeping, drooling Osaka to the person next to him and said, "Have you seen this girl?...Yes…okay…thanks." "You're welcome," Osama BinLaden said to him holding a gun to his head, "Now if you'll excuse me…" "I'm in trouble aren't I?" Mr. Kimura said.

Meanwhile, on the road…"Yomi, I'm bored," Tomo said. "Can it!" Yomi yelled. Tomo started to cry and said, "I'm sad now, for the next few hours I'm just gonna cry and tell you all my problems." Yomi then totally annoyed shoved a poppy seed muffin in Tomo's mouth. "Mmmmmm, muffin…" Tomo said.

Then the car hit a sudden bump in the road. "What was that?" Chiyo asked. "I don't know," Ms. Yukari said, "It smells like we hit a skunk but feels like we hit a person. Either way, we got a flat." They pulled over and saw a sign. "Virwinia Neach." Tomo said with her mouth full. She pulled out what was left of the muffin and said, "Virginia Beach. Weird…"

They pushed the van the rest of the way into town and into the auto body shop. It was a great many hours of Tomo torment (and a few of Yomi's muffins) before the van was done.

Everyone was looking in every direction but they mostly only saw big resorts and ships the size of the city. "Wow," Tomo said to Yomi, "There's actually something in this world fatter than you." SMACK…HIT…BOOM! By the time she was done Tomo was out cold in the back seat of the van. "I should've thought of that sooner." Yomi said.

Ms. Yukari was going to pay the man and asked, "How much do I owe you?" "Well," he replied, "……………" His words were blanketed by the sound of a plane taking off. "What?" Ms. Yukari asked. The man replied, "I said '………..'!" Another plane took off as he was speaking. "Just keep the change!" Ms. Yukari said handing him a bunch of dollar bills. As she walked back to the van he yelled, "Thanks, …………" With yet another plane taking off.

"Hey, where's Tomo?" Kagura asked. "Uh…" Yomi replied, "She's taking…uh…a power nap…" "O…kay…" Kagura said. And they drove away leaving billows of dust behind them.

Meanwhile, with Mr. Kimura. Mr. Kimura was talking with two men (one dressed as a doctor, one dressed as a cop) in a dark alleyway in New York. Mr. Kimura pulled out a picture of Ms. Yukari with horrible looking hair and unclean teeth and asked, "Have you seen this person before?" "Yeah," the "doctor" replied, "We did a birthday party for her a couple weeks ago."

"Party…?" Mr. Kimura asked. "Yeah," the "cop" said now angry, grabbing Mr. Kimura by his collar and pinning him to the wall, "And, she didn't pay! So are you gonna pay me or not?" "Um…" Mr. Kimura said. "Oh, I've seen him like this," the "doctor" replied, "He's all built up with rage and sexual tension. He just takes it out the first person he sees." "Oh, boy." Mr. Kimura said nervously.

Before leaving Virginia Beach Ms. Yukari stopped to ask for directions. She asked a plump man who was spitting into a spittoon. "Sir, how do we get out of town?" He mumbled something and added, "It's not how to get out of town, it's where you should go." "Where should we go? Maybe a place more civilized?"

The man replied, "Well, we're south of the Mason-Dixie line so I don't know about that, but if you want a scenic place you could try colonial Williamsburg about an hour away from here." "Colonial?" Ms. Yukari asked confused. "Yeah," the man replied, "People pretend to be in the year 17 something and live without electricity, running water or indoor toilets." "Um," Ms. Yukari replied, "Isn't that why your people left Mexico in the first place?"

"Anyway," Ms. Yukari added, "Can I at least use your phone?" "You aren't listening," the man said, "You're in the south the closest phone is in Memphis west of here." "Thanks." Ms. Yukari said running back to the car. "What a weird person." The man said to himself.

They drove for hours until even Ms. Yukari admitted they were lost. "We should ask for directions." Osaka said. "There's nobody to ask." Sakaki replied. "Look over there." Kagura said pointing at a trailer close by. They pulled up next to it and Ms. Yukari said, "Who will go ask directions?" Osaka raised her hand and Yomi agreed to go and make sure Osaka didn't get lost. Immediately Tomo woke up and said, "A chance to annoy total strangers? Count me in!" "Why didn't you stay asleep?" Yomi said hitting herself in the head.

Yomi, Osaka, and Tomo rang the doorbell and Jeff Foxworthy opened the door. "Hi," Yomi said, "Do you know how to get to Memphis?" "You know you're a redneck if you have 50 cars that aren't mobile and one house that is." Jeff Foxworthy said as he opened the door wider and they walked in.

"Well," Yomi said, "We can't stay you see…" Jeff Foxworthy interrupted saying, "You know you're a redneck if the judge sentences you to 'the usual'." "Yeah," Tomo said then noticing a birthday card on the table that read "Happy Birthday Uncle dad." "That's weird." Tomo said then Jeff Foxworthy said, "You know you're a redneck if your family tree does not fork." "This guy's a total hick." Osaka said. "I agree," Yomi said, "Let's go."

They turned to leave then Jeff Foxworthy laughed and picked up his shotgun and said, "You know you're a redneck if you kill annoying Japanese kids!" he started firing at random hitting almost everything other than Tomo, Osaka and Yomi. "Hey Jeff," Bill Engvall said walking through the door and was immediately shot in the head. "It's an honor to meet you Mr. Foxworthy." Robert Tobias (me) said walking in the door also getting shot and yelled, "You shot me! I was shot by a national celebrity! I should sell this bullet on ebay!"

Tomo, Yomi, and Osaka ran back to the van and drove away as fast as they could. After they told their story Ms. Yukari said, "I guess we'll never make it to Memphis." "What's that?" Chiyo asked pointing out the window to a big city with a bunch of neon signs saying "Memphis". "Uh," Ms. Yukari said, "Anybody want to go to Memphis?" "Yay!" Everyone cheered.

Everyone split up to look around the city. (Pause! Tomo in a big city, by herself, without her leash this practically spells trouble in 40 different languages!) Sure enough five minutes later she ran into someone with black, gelled hair wearing a white suit, sunglasses, and a guitar over his shoulder. "Hey," Tomo said, "Haven't I seen you in some movie somewhere before?" "Thank you," he replied, "Thank you very much." "Are you Elvis Parsley?" Tomo asked. "You bet." He said smiling. Tomo cheered, "I have to show you my friends!"

Tomo ran back to the van and saw everyone back there before her. "You wouldn't believe who I met!" Tomo yelled. Then, she looked and there were people dressed like Elvis Presley. "What?" Ms. Yukari yelled. Then she raised her voice so loud that practically everyone in the city could hear her, "Who here is the REAL Elvis Presley?" At once everyone in the city raised their hands high in the air. "This is insane," Yomi said, "Let's get outta here!" Then a bell rung that everyone could hear and one Elvis yelled out, "Time to take our pills and sing 'Hound Dog'!" Everyone cheered, swallowed a pill and instantaneously passed out.

Meanwhile, with Mr. Kimura. Mr. Kimura showed a picture of Tomo in her regular hyperactive mood to Donald Trump and asked, "Have you seen this girl?" "Seen her?" he said angrily, "Why? Are you her father?" "No," Mr. Kimura replied, "I'm her teacher…." "Really," he said, "Did you teach her to publicly humiliate people? Didn't you know that that's my job? Mr. Kimura…you're fired! Security!" "No, wait!" Mr. Kimura said. Mr. Trump continued, "If he resists send him to the police." "No," Mr. Kimura yelled, "Not the police! Not again! No……….!"

While everyone sat in the van someone said, "Where are we going anyway?" "I'm not really sure." Ms. Yukari replied. "Hey everyone," Tomo yelled, "I found this old brochure and through all the mold on it, it says 'Visit New Orleans'. Let's go there! It says there's a bunch of stuff to do there!" "Sounds cool!" Kagura exclaimed. "I'm in!" Chiyo cheered. "Muhuvhvuh." Osaka said in her sleep. "Anywhere but here." Sakaki said. "Well," Yomi replied, "I can't argue with all of you." "Yay!" Tomo cheered, "Here we come New Orleans!"

They were all stopped in their tracks by all the destruction they saw. "Amazing," Tomo said, "Chaos, mayhem, death, destruction…what I'm doing to Tokyo they've already done to New Orleans!" Osaka looked at a small pamphlet and said, "It says here all this was done by someone named 'Katrina'." "Katrina!" Tomo yelled at the wind, "From now on we're rivals!" "Are you done with your rant," Yomi asked, "Can we go?" "I'm just getting started!" Yomi sighed and held up a muffin. "Oh……ah….." Tomo said shoving the muffin in her mouth. While she was eating Yomi hit Tomo in the head with a baseball bat knocking her unconscious. "That'll come in handy more." She said to herself.

And so the chapter must come to a close. I think they all liked the south about as much as they like the north. But it was time for all of them to continue their long adventures. With much good and bad…but mostly bad.

"Come back Kimura!" the "cop" yelled at Mr. Kimura who was now running away as fast as he could, "We haven't even done the cavity search yet!"

**A/N: Okay, all the usual stuff: Review and tell me how u were totally offended and laughed ur pants off at the same time.**


	4. Don't Mess With Texas

The United States of Azumanga Daioh

Chapter 4

Don't Mess With Texas

**Disclaimer: I don't feel like saying all this so fill in the blanks I don't own XXXXXXXXXXXX or any of its XXXXXXXXX so go XXXX yourselves fanfiction and your stupid rules!**

Sakaki, Chiyo, Kagura, Osaka, Ms. Yukari, Tomo, and Yomi were all riding in the car pretending to be interested but were all monumentally bored except for Yomi who was plotting her next attempt at killing Tomo when out of nowhere they hit a pothole waking Osaka up. "Oh, no! It's another Hiroshima!" Osaka yelled jumping up. "Calm down," Kagura said, "It's just a pothole; I think we lost a hubcap or three."

"Where can we get some new ones?" Chiyo asked. "Well," Ms. Yukari replied, "That guy there might tell us where we can find some." Ms. Yukari pointed to a large ranch. "Looks kind of familiar," Tomo said, "Let's go!"

Ms. Yukari pulled up towards the president's ranch and reached the gate and a secret service agent wearing a black suit and said, "Ma'am, are you aware this is private property?" "What'll we do Ms. Yukari?" Chiyo asked. "Relax," Ms. Yukari said, "I used to work for the Centennial Insurance Agency."

"Ma'am, do you speak English?" the man said. "Yes," Ms. Yukari replied, "I'm here with the CIA. I need to see the man of the house to use his phone." "Oh, I'm so sorry," he said opening the gate, "Go right ahead." Ms. Yukari drove the van up to the house. "Wow," the man said to another secret service agent, "That weird Japanese woman is going to destroy the world."

"It's amazing what they'll do for insurance salesmen these days." Ms. Yukari said as they all walked through the door, "Hey, wait, there are three different doors. We'll have to look behind each one."

Ms. Yukari opened the first door to see Ann Coulter arguing with Condelleza Rice. "I'm secretary of state!" Rice said. "Yeah," Coulter replied, "Well, I've written 4 books about how screwed up America is." "Oh," said Rice, "I'm African-American!" "Yeah," Coulter replied, "Well, I'm blonde!" Condelleza Rice started crying and Ann Coulter cheered, "I win again!" Ms. Yukari slammed the door shut.

Ms. Yukari opened the next door to see Dick Cheney holding up a picture of himself saying, "Oh yeah, you're doing so much great stuff in Iraq, oh and I heard you run a big name oil company. Hearing all this puts me in such a….loving mood!" Ms. Yukari quickly slammed the door shut. "Ms. Yukari," Chiyo asked, "What was that nice old man doing?" "I'll tell you when you're older!" Ms. Yukari replied.

Ms. Yukari opened the last door to see George W. Bush packing a suitcase accompanied by his wife. "So, George," Laura said, "Are you bringing Hopalong with you?" "Of course," George replied taking out a stuffed teddy bear with a cowboy hat on, "How could I oversee the Iraqi foreign legions without good old Hopalong?"

"Sir," a secret service agent said to him, "Air Force One has just been hijacked." "Put him on the phone!" Bush said. They put on the speaker phone and Bush yelled, "Identify yourself terrorist!" "Oh, hey," Bill Clinton said over the phone, "Just took old A F 1 out for the weekend…Oh, I'll meet you in the bedroom Monica, Hillary, and whatever your name was…Wahoo and this legally isn't sex!" Bush hung up the phone and said to the secret service agent, "Shoot it down!" Ms. Yukari slammed the door and said, "We don't really need hubcaps. I guess."

Meanwhile with Mr. Kimura…Mr. Kimura showed a picture of Yomi standing on a scale in her underwear to Ryan Seacrest and asked, "Have you seen this girl?" "That's a great voice you have." Ryan Seacrest replied, "If you complement my spiked, fake blonde Mohawk I can make you the next American Idol!" "Um….no," Mr. Kimura replied, "Have you seen her or not?" "Seacrest out!" Seacrest yelled running away. "What a loser." Mr. Kimura said to himself.

Ms. Yukari and everyone else were driving farther down their road to nowhere when they saw a homemade sign that said, "Free Country hospitality." "Wait!" Tomo said, "Hospitality usually means food and where there's food there's muffins!" "No way!" Ms. Yukari yelled, "Hospitality usually also mean alcohol!" "Actually, I agree with Tomo," Yomi said then bit her lip and started hitting herself, "I can't believe I really said that out loud!" "Aw," Tomo replied, "You really do love me!" "Don't push it!" Yomi replied.

They pulled over to a house in the small town and got out to ask one of the locals what all this was about. "Well," he explained, "Once or twice a month we all prepare a bunch of food and some homemade wine and have a party throughout the whole town." "See, I told you," Ms. Yukari said, "Nothing but alcohol poisoning your young minds!" "Actually," the man replied, "There's very little alcohol in the wine. It'd be more dangerous to your health eating poppy-seed muffins. You're all welcome to come. No charge." Everyone started cheering at the thought of free food…everyone except Ms. Yukari. "I still don't buy it," she said, "What's the catch?" "No catch," the man said, "We just stay up all night…eating…drinking…and listening to country music…"

car door slam fast skid marks of van driving away

All of them were going through San Antonio when they saw a band of fat people on a stage nearby them singing:

_Bruce Springstien; Madonna_

_Way before Nirvana_

_There was U2 and Blondie_

_And music still on MTV_

_Her two kids in high school_

_They tell her that she's uncool _

_Cause she's still preoccupied…_

_With 19, 19, 1985_

"Aw," Osaka said, "Look at the poor fat people who think they can sing." "Yeah," Tomo said, "My English is really bad but I think they're singing about an era totally forgotten and lost in time." Osaka threw some money at them right before Ms. Yukari pulled them both back into the van yelling, "How dare you mock those people." "Please…" Tomo replied, "They practically mock themselves."

Meanwhile, with Mr. Kimura…Mr. Kimura was on his hands and knees smelling the ground until he found a long single black hair on the ground. "Ah-ha!" he cheered, "This for sure is Tomo's!" "Hey," a man in the distance yelled, "That guy's got White House property! Get him!" "Oh, boy." Mr. Kimura said to himself as the secret service agents came closer and closer.

"Wow," Osaka said as they admired the view from the Grand Canyon, "It's so cool!" "I know," Chiyo replied, "But who's that guy?" Then out of nowhere M.C. Hammer appeared in front of them and said, "Oh, you know you…" "Wait!" Yomi yelled, "We already made fun of you in this fic!" "What?" he asked. "Yeah," she continued, "You can't appear again. Sorry, those are the rules." "Oh, yeah?" he said, "Can't touch this dadadada Heeeeeeeey. Can't touch this…." Yomi then pushed him over the side of the canyon as he screamed the last words of his dumb song.

Yomi then said, "And all you people reading this! This is called 'Don't mess with Texas' and we're way past Texas! So this chapter should be over right about………now! Goodbye!"

**A/N: Okay u know the drill. So I won't repeat it and take up all you time. But Bowling for Soup is the awesomist band ever they're just easy to make fun of.**


	5. Viva Las Vegas

The United States of Azumanga Daioh

Chapter 5

Viva Las Vegas!

**Negación: No poseo Azumanga Daioh, o cualquiera de sus caracteres, o de los Estados Unidos de América if you don't understand that you don't need to know what it says.**

Mr. Kimura showed a picture of Ms. Yukari in a bikini on the beach and asked, "Have you seen her?" "Yeah," replied the man in Virginia Beach, "She went to……………." A plane flew overhead. "What?" Mr. Kimura asked. The man replied, "…………" once again another plane. "Ah, forget it." Mr. Kimura replied walking away. The man yelled, "Hey, come back here ……………!"

Ms. Yukari, Sakaki, Kagura, Tomo, Osaka, Chiyo, and Yomi were all in the car in the blazing hot sun. "Couldn't we have taken a car with air conditioning?" Kagura asked. "Don't complain," Ms. Yukari replied, "We only paid a dollar for it!" "But, Ms. Yukari," Chiyo replied, "Even Tomo can't be hyper in this heat." All their attention went to Tomo who had by now passed out from heat stroke. "Darn it," Yomi exclaimed putting away her machine gun, "It's no fun if she's asleep!"

"Come to think of it," Sakaki said, "There's been nothing but desert for a long time." "Yeah," Chiyo replied, "And I haven't seen a road for miles." "Well," Ms. Yukari replied, "According to my map there's…nothing here. I wonder why." Just then a huge cloud of nuclear debris engulfed the van. Everyone yelled except for Osaka who was still fast asleep.

Osaka woke up and saw the smoke and yelled, "Oh no! It's the white house all over again!" "What are you talking about?" Yomi asked. Osaka replied, "Uh…Look over there!" this was the absolute stupidest thing she could've said (aside from calling her fat) but sure enough, there was a sign that said "Welcome to Las Vegas!" "Whoa!" Tomo said, "I've always wanted to be able to walk from Saudi Arabia to Italy. Let's go!" "We don't really have a choice," Ms. Yukari replied, "I think that now we all need nuclear showers too." "And we get to bathe?" Tomo yelled, "This is getting better and better!"

Meanwhile with Mr. Kimura. Mr. Kimura walked through the door of the trailer only to be face to face with Jeff Foxworthy. "Hello," Mr. Kimura said, "Could you tell me if you've seen this girl." The picture he showed him was so horrible it must be censored for me to retain the T rating. Jeff Foxworthy pulled out his shotgun and held it to Mr. Kimura's head. "No!" he yelled, "Jihad! Allah! Whatever! Don't kill me Osama!"

Chiyo and Sakaki stood at the entrance of a large bookstore with so many books you couldn't even see the walls. "Wow," Chiyo said, "Where do we start?" "How about the international book section?" Sakaki said, "I've had about as much English as I can stand." They walked back to the international books section. They only found really bad Spanish books about people leaving Panama. Until Chiyo pulled a big, heavy book and said, "Hmmm Mein Comph? I could always learn German." Just then a man with dark hair, dark eyes, a small mustache and a swastika armband said, "That is a very good book!" "There he is!" a police officer yelled, "It's Hitler! Get him!" Adolph Hitler ran away yelling, "Berger Schnitzel!" "That was really weird." Sakaki replied.

Meanwhile with Mr. Kimura. Mr. Kimura stood in the middle of Memphis, looking around at all the Elvis's. "I'm not even going to ask." Mr. Kimura sighed. Everyone pointed to him and said, "Thank you, thank you very much!"

Tomo, Yomi, and Ms. Yukari just went to the nearest casino they could find. Before they could even have any fun they saw a sign that read, "Wanted, Chiyo Mihama, Tomo Takino, Koyomi 'Yomi' Mizuhara, Sakaki ($#, Ayumu 'Osaka' Kasuga, Kagura &, and Yukari Tanizaki. Wanted for trespassing on government property, drug possession in form of baked goods, Possession of almost stolen car and all around stupidity."

"Wow," Tomo said. Some people have our exact same names and look exactly like us. "Never mind." Yomi said. "I need a drink." Ms. Yukari said starting to walk away. "Me too!" Tomo cheered following her until Ms. Yukari put her hand in front of her face. "Where'd the light go?" Tomo said. Ms. Yukari handed a quarter to both Yomi and Tomo and said, "See how long you can make that last." "Yay!" Tomo cheered.

Tomo ran over to the closest slot machine and said, "Hmm, this game looks fun." Tomo put in the quarter and pulled the lever. All of a sudden huge amounts of quarters came pouring out of the machine and Tomo yelled, "We're all rich!" Then, out of nowhere hordes of people made a ruckus taking all the quarters. Tomo lay there beaten and bruised. Then, Tomo found a single quarter and held it up to light as cheers of halleluiah sounded. Yomi then grabbed the quarter from her hand and walked towards the soda machine. "No!" Tomo yelled as the super diet, 1 calorie, caffeine free, sodium free, taste free soda.

Meanwhile with Mr. Kimura. Mr. Kimura dragged his exhausted body to the front porch of a man's house in the middle of a small town. "Water." He managed to say. The man rushed up and gave him some water. "You saved my life." Mr. Kimura said. "It was nothing," the man replied, "Hey, you want to come down here tonight? We're having a big party for the students at the private girl's school up the road. We drink a lot and have free food." "This all sounds too good to be true," Mr. Kimura replied, "What's the catch?" "No catch," the man replied, "Just a good old country party with good old country drinking and good old country music." (Do I really need to explain what happens?)

Osaka was with Kagura looking all around the city until they saw something that didn't fit into the Las Vegas strip. "Welcome to the make a wish foundation headquarters." The woman at the front said. They followed her into a small room with people spread around in a circle of chairs. "I'll start," a young girl said, "I'm Sally, and I wish I could have a house for me and daddy." Everyone awwwed and the woman said, "Let's build her a house!" "Yay!" everyone cheered. Then, Jake Gyllenhall stood up and said, "I'm Jake, and I wish I Knew how to quit being a queer bag!" The woman pointed to the door and said, "Gay ranchers Anonymous is in the next room." Osaka stood up and said, "I'm Osaka and I wish I could go home to Japan!" "Oh," the woman said sympathetically, "You want to be with your family and friends 'til the end. Let's send her home!" "Yay!" everyone cheered. "That was easy." Kagura said. "So what life-threatening illness do you have?" the woman asked. "Disease?" Osaka said, "You silly people, I'm not dying." Kagura and Osaka were lying face down on the sidewalk in front of the building. "Couldn't you have just lied?" Kagura asked.

Everyone walked slowly back to the van. "I hate this place!" Ms. Yukari yelled, "May it burn in its own desert sun!" "I don't know," Chiyo said, "I got this really cool book." The over-packed, un-air conditioned van drove away in the desert heat.

A fancy, black car pulled up to the Grand Canyon and Mr. Kimura got out and said, "Thanks so much for the ride." Two people from the car then grabbed him and pulled him to the canyon edge. "Cool," Mr. Kimura said, "Skydiving. Hey shouldn't I have a para…" his words were drowned out as he joined M. C. Hammer.

**A/N: I like all the stuff I make fun of in this except Hitler and Brokeback Mountain. ****Hay un fiesta en mis panalones! **


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